I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Randomize
