happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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