Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Randomize
