I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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