3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
I wish I only lived at night.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
