There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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