I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Randomize
