My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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