I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
