fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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