im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
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