I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
