If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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