would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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