guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I can't turn off my feet"
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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