this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
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