Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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