it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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