So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Randomize
