when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Randomize
