I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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