youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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