Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
