Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
What drink are we having for lunch?
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Randomize
