i jhust puked up my retainher.
my phone needs a breathalizer
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
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