Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
