you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
