Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Randomize
