The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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