"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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