My sheets look like a crime scene.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
