On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
