I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
