things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
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