Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
