I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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