The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
She made me pour olive oil on her.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
