im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Randomize
