Have you finally orgasmed yet?
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
