So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
