people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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