Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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