I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
