nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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