I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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