what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
