why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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