I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Of course I have a pirate flag
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
