So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
