Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
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Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
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They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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