We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
