I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Randomize
