At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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