i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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