If that was your dad, he is hot
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
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