from now on my penis is your penis
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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