roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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